If I Can’t Have You, I’ll Take The Stars ~ Part 1

Title: If I Can’t Have You, I’ll Take The Stars ~ Part 1
Characters: Eddie Diaz, Evan Buckley, Christopher Diaz, 9-1-1 Characters, Stargate characters, Original characters
Rating: PG-15
Author’s Note: Alternate Universe, Grammarly is my beta reader.
Summary: Eddie knew he loved Buck, but it wasn’t until after he was shot, Eddie realized how deep that love goes. Problem is, Buck loves Taylor, so unable to bear having Buck push him and Christopher out of his life, the Diazes leave Los Angeles.

Reading the list of continuing education classes offered by LAFD, Eddie sighed. He had already taken the ones that interested him but realized if he wanted to optimize his choices for advancement, he needed as many certifications and advanced techniques as he could accumulate. Forwarding his choices to Bobby, he placed his tablet back in his locker before heading downstairs to see who needed a hand with their chores. Before he could ask, the alarm went off and Station 118 was busy with calls until after 2 am when the exhausted crew headed to the bunk room.

A lick and a promise to his morning ablutions, Eddie grabbed his duffel, glad he’d stayed up long enough to do his reports before going to bed. Heading for the stairs, he saw Buck sitting at the table with a stack of paperwork. Hoping to slip by without being noticed, Eddie hung his head in frustration when Buck called out, his Diaz radar apparently working the one time Eddie just wanted to get home.

“Eddie, wait up! I’ll walk out with you.”

“What about your paperwork?” Eddie mentally crossed his fingers.

“Just finished up. Want to grab some breakfast? I’ll buy.”

Not having a good excuse to avoid his best friend, he graciously surrendered to the Buckley charm. “Sure. Carla has Christopher this morning, so I’ve got a minute.” He gave Buck a wide smile.

Being with Buck always seemed to give him that little jolt of energy he needed to get through, and this might be a good time to drop a few hints about his deepening feelings for Buck. It was hard to predict if the younger man would catch onto subtle hints because often you had to hit him with a metaphorical brick to get him to catch a clue.

Sitting across the booth from Evan Buckley, Eddie felt his heart full to overflowing. It was all he could do to keep his hand from moving the six inches it would take to cover Buck’s hand with his own. Afraid of rejection, and losing his best friend, he forced his hand to stay still.

“Christopher was asking me when you were coming by again. He missed you on movie night.” Eddie was concentrating on his breakfast and didn’t see the disappointment cross Buck’s face.

“Taylor had a thing that needed a plus one. Have him call me when he gets home from school. Maybe we can do something some other time.”

“Things must be getting serious if she’s introducing you to her work people.”

That gave the younger man pause. “Is that something people do?”

“Taylor already knows everyone you work with, but you’d only met her camera person before you started dating.” Eddie pushed back his plate to concentrate on his coffee hoping his friend didn’t see his disappointment at the signs the relationship between Buck and Taylor was getting serious.

“Oh.” Buck took several more bites. “You think so?” His face brightened at the thought of growing romantic feelings with another person. More than anything Evan Buckley wanted a home and family that would accept him exactly as he is instead of always wanting to change and ‘improve’ him.

“Yeah … I mean unless she just asked you because it was convenient. I guess she didn’t think it’d be a big deal for you to cancel your plans with us since it wasn’t a date or anything important.” Eddie watched Buck’s expressions through the screen of his eyelashes. He felt a twinge at the flash of hurt Buck showed at the thought of Christopher and Eddie not being important, but Taylor had been trying to cut Buck off from any friendships that didn’t further her agenda. She couldn’t mess with Bobby and Athena without putting Buck’s back up, but everyone else at the 118 was fair game.

“The news business is tough, Taylor says you’re only as good as your last story, and you have to use any advantage.”

“So, as the ‘face of LAFD’s Insta’, you’re an advantage?”

“I … I didn’t think of that.” He pushed his plate away. “I …” He paused when his phone vibrated.

“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk bad about your girlfriend.” Eddie pushed his plate to the side and pulled his coffee mug closer. “But you’ve always said you want me to tell you what I think.”

“It’s Taylor, and I do want you to be honest. She wants me to help her with some technical information for a story she’s doing.”

“What kind of technical information? About fire science or what?”

“I’m not sure. She keeps saying she needs to tell the world the truth.”

“There’s a slippery slope.”

“Why is telling the truth a slippery slope?” Buck motioned the waiter for more coffee and their check.

“Whose truth is she telling? Her truth, the victim’s, the perpetrator’s? Every point of view has some version of the truth.” Eddie blew across the top of the freshened cup of coffee to cool it before taking a drink.

“I don’t get it.” Buck scrunched his nose up in the way he showed his confusion that always made Eddie want to kiss him on the end of nose.

“Okay. If we’re at a scene and you’re standing over here and I’m standing over there, what each of us sees is the truth as we see it. So, Athena takes everyone’s report and tries to come up with the ‘truth’ about what happened. Nobody lied about what they saw, but we all saw something from a different point of view.”

“I get that, so I guess I have to say Taylor wants my help finding my version of the truth to add to her version.”

“Fair enough. I just hope whoever’s toes she’s stepping on doesn’t take offense.” Eddie pulled a few bills out of his pocket to lay down for a tip.

“Why would they?” Buck’s brow pulled down in hard thought.

He shook his head in wonder. Was Buck really that naïve, or did he get a kick out of people thinking that someone who’d traveled halfway around the world alone was that innocent? “While Taylor might be a hotshot reporter, not everyone likes their dirty laundry aired in public. You remember how we all got bent out of shape during the lawsuit?”

“Yeah. I swear, Eddie, I did not tell that man all those things. He told me he hired a private investigator.”

The two firefighters headed for their vehicles. “I know and I’m sorry I brought it up, but it’s the perfect example.” He unlocked his truck. “Are we going to see you while we’re off? Christopher’s been on the warpath to see you.”

“No school tomorrow, I’ll give you a call around ten.”

“Sounds good. Talk to you then.” As he climbed in his truck, Eddie made a decision to not tell his son Buck might call. That way if something came up, Christopher wouldn’t be hurt.

*^*^*^*

When his phone rang at noon, he wasn’t surprised to find an apologetic Evan Buckley on the other end. “Hey, Buck.” He stepped back a little so as to not disturb the lecture on the La Brea tar pits that had enthralled Christopher.

“Eddie I’m so, so, sorry. Is Chris mad?”

“He’s not mad because I didn’t tell him what time you were supposed to call. I just told him it’d be sometime today. We’re at the zoo, and I need to get back.”

“Of course. How about I bring Chinese, and we’ll do movie night?”

“We’ll have one picked out by the time you get there.”

“Great.”

“We should be home around four, so if you come round six, he’ll have his shower and be ready for his Buck time.”

“Right … Sounds good … I’m sorry … Taylor was here until late, and I overslept.”

“It’s fine, Buck. He asked if we were going to see you during our days off, but I put him off.”

“I’ll be there around 4:30.” Buck ended the call but leaned against the kitchen island feeling like he’d been stabbed.

He pulled himself together, finished up a few chores before calling in his order for their favorite Chinese takeout and headed for the Diazes. Taylor texted several times during the evening, but Buck ignored her in favor of his best friends.

Eddie caught Buck checking his phone several times during the movie, but the blond had ignored whatever message was on the text. Part of him felt gleefully mean each him he tossed the phone back on the coffee table, so he rewarded Buck by snuggling against his left side while Christopher had him covered on the right.

After that, it became a tug of war between Taylor and the Diazes as to who would get Buck’s time. Buck tried to be fair to both parties, but Eddie could see the strain it was putting on the man he loved, so he did what people have done since time immemorial … He tucked his romantic feelings into a box under lock and key and worked on being the best friend he could be as he watched Taylor Kelly settling into the place that should be his.

 4 Months Later

“Eddie! Eddie! Buck came barreling down the steps. “Wait up. I need to talk to you.”

Eddie had almost made his escape. The shift had been busy, and all he really wanted to do was go home and sleep. He’d recertified two weeks ago to get back on the job after taking a sniper’s bullet through the shoulder. Buck had practically been joined at his hip since the shooting and had been a big help during his recovery and rehab. It had only made Eddie love Buck more at the care he and Carla had taken of both him and Christopher. It had also made him realize that dating his son’s teacher, Ana Flores to hide his feelings for Buck was not fair to either of them. Her constant criticism of his parenting skills because, ‘I have a PhD in Early Childhood Development and know best.’ had finally driven him to show her the door one final time.

“What is it, Buck?” He leaned against the frame of the garage door in an attempt to hide his exhaustion.

“Listen, I need your help with something.”

“You know all you have to do is ask, Brother.” Eddie delivered a light slap to the broad shoulder.

“I know, and I depend on that every day.”

“Can we walk and talk. I really want to get home.”

“Sure … So, I want to ask Taylor to marry me …”

Eddie stopped and turned to Buck. “I didn’t realize you two had gotten that serious. I thought it was more a friend with benefits deal.”

Buck’s face turned red as he ducked his head. “Since you were hurt, Taylor and I got to hanging out more and going places.”

“When you had Christopher with you?”

“What? No. My time with Chris is just for us.”

“Where do I come into this equation?”

“Oh, since you were married before, I thought you might have some ideas on what to do.”

“Your situation is a lot different than mine and Shannon’s. She turned up pregnant, and I manned up and did the right thing.” He did air quotes as they walked toward their vehicles. “If it were me, I’d go where I’m the most relaxed and comfortable, which for me is home. When we’re snuggled in with a glass of wine, beer, or whatever … Have the ring in my pocket, and when the time seems right, pop the question.”

“No big elaborate supper in a fancy restaurant, or something that shouts, ‘I love this person forever’?”

“No, because the only person that needs to know I will love them forever is the person I’m asking to marry me.” He felt tears welling in his eyes, so ducked his head. He didn’t want Buck to see how upset he was. For someone who prided himself on being cool under pressure, he never could hide his emotions from the people he loved.

When he had willed the tears away, he looked into blue eyes shiny with unshed tears. “That’s so profound, man … So beautiful.” Eddie broke eye contact before he did something foolish like declaring that Evan was the person he would love forever. While he fought his exhaustion and his feelings for his best friend, Buck had collected himself. “Thanks.” He grabbed Eddie’s shoulder and pulled him into a bro hug. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Eddie gave a tired smile as he watched a still energized Buck sprint across the parking lot to his Jeep. Feeling older than his years, he climbed in his truck and headed home.

Standing at his office window, Captain Bobby Nash watched the interaction between his best team. He knew what Buck had asked Eddie because he had asked Bobby how he had proposed to Athena. The difference between Bobby and Eddie was that while Bobby loved Buck like a son, Eddie just flat out loved him. He turned away as Eddie pulled out of the parking lot, wondering how long after the wedding it would before Eddie left the 118.

*^*^*^*

“Bucky?”

“Yeah, Superman.” Evan Buckley looked up at the little human that was sitting on his shoulders as they wandered around the zoo.

“Are you mad at Dad?”

“What? No. Whatever gave you the idea I was mad?”

“You don’t do things with Dad like you used to, so I thought maybe something happened that made you mad.” Buck stopped suddenly and hit the bench like a puppet with its strings cut, though he was careful of Christopher. The ten-year-old slowly climbed down to sit next to his best friend. “I’m sorry, Buck. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I just want to understand.”

“No, Chris. It’s fine. Your question made me stop and think for a minute. I mean ever since Taylor and I got engaged everything’s been really busy, and I guess your dad got lost in the shuffle.”

“How do you do that?” Christopher’s expression was so sad, it made Buck feel like the world’s worst friend.

“I see your dad all the time at work, but when we’re to not working, Taylor always has something that needs to be done to get ready for the wedding. Before I know it, the day is over, and I just want to sleep.”

“So, Dad didn’t do anything wrong?”

“No, Buddy, it’s just me being forgetful and overwhelmed, and maybe a little bit selfish.”

“You should stop doing that. You’re making Dad sad.” Christopher admitted quietly. “He goes to the VA when you don’t call. He says he works out with some of the other soldiers, and some guy named Aaron. They talk a lot about being soldiers.”

Buck hugged the boy close as his thoughts whirled over the bomb Christopher dropped on him. Why was Eddie going to the VA? Was something wrong? What had he missed while he was preoccupied with wedding plans? Who was Aaron? What was his relationship with Eddie? Why hadn’t he asked his best friend to be his best man? The wedding was in four months for crying out loud.

A few days later Eddie and Buck were enjoying the evening sitting on the bench outside the station. Supper had been great, their shift had been slow, so far, and all the chores were done.

“Eds …” Buck’s tone was tentative.

“Hmmm.” Eddie kept his head back, letting the sun warm his face.

Buck paused at the stunning picture of Eddie bathed in sunlight and shadow made. Shaking off the spike of heat that hit his groin, he worked up the nerve to continue. “I want to apologize to you.”

Eddie’s head rolled to the side, and he opened his eyes. “What for?”

Buck was again struck at the way the sun loved his friend, turning brown eyes the color of aged brandy. “For being a crappy friend these past few months. There’s just been so much …”

“Hey.” Eddie reached out to grab Buck’s hand. “It’s okay. I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure trying to get everything done for the wedding. I’m not sure what’s the rush, but hey, it’s your and Taylor’s day …” He shrugged and turned back to his sunbathing.

“No, man, I was talking to Chris when we were at the zoo. He asked me if I was mad at you. It made me realize that since I asked Taylor to marry me everything else got left in the dust including my best friend.”

“I’m sorry, Buck. He shouldn’t have said anything. I think he’s worried about the time I’ve been spending at the VA on my days off.”

“Everything’s alright … Isn’t it?” Buck straightened up in alarm.

“Yeah. Just talking to some of the people that come in. Working through some stuff with my PTSD.”

“PTSD? It won’t keep you from working?”

“No. I mean I got some counseling after I was sent home, but after Shannon left, I had trouble scheduling appointments with Christopher and my jobs then the move here. Then there was the academy, Shannon’s death, the street fighting, and just everything, so I felt like I needed to get serious about it, especially after getting shot again. Having a matching set of scars knocked me a little off kilter.”

“God, Eddie, I should have been there. I’m sorry I let you and Chris down.” Blue eyes were shiny with tears.

Eddie sat up and gave his attention to Buck. “It’s okay. I really needed a professional to help me handle some of my stuff, but I got through it. Don’t beat yourself up.” He gave Buck’s hand another squeeze. “I’m going to grab some water, you want something?” He started to stand but Buck pulled him back.

“I want you to tell me you’re okay, and that you’re not mad at me. I’m going to do better, be better to you and Chris, and I want to start by asking you to be my best man.”

“Of course, I’ll be your best man. You sure you don’t want Bobby? I know you guys are kind of tight.”

“No. I want my partner and best friend. Besides, Bobby’s officiating.” Buck’s smile was shaky, but the tears had dried up.

Eddie breathed a sigh of relief. He could harden his heart to a lot of things, but a tearful Evan Buckley was not one of them. “Just tell me the date and give me a schedule of things I need to do.” He let a little of the love he felt for his partner show on his face.

Next thing he knew strong arms pulled him against a hard chest as Buck pulled him in for a hug. “It’ll be the best wedding ever.” Buck gave him another squeeze before letting him go.

“Sure, it will. You’re marrying the person you love.” Eddie swallowed hard to keep his own emotions from overwhelming him.

“Come on, Eds, let’s go see what Bobby made for dessert.” He tugged him off the bench just as the alarm went off.

*^*^*^*

The next four months were both the longest and shortest of Eddie’s life. The time spent doing things with Buck for the wedding flew by while the time spent alone dragged on. Once he had the schedule for Buck and Taylor’s honeymoon, he started to plan his own escape.

Trying to find a reason for him and Christopher to transfer stations or move away from Los Angeles was proving problematic until Christopher’s doctor came up with the perfect solution.

“Mr. Diaz, would you be averse to moving if it meant you could get exceptional care for Christopher’s CP?”

“It would have to be really exceptional to uproot him from a school he loves along with his great care team, including Carla, his caregiver.”

“I assure you; I would not suggest this if I didn’t feel it’s the best you could find for your son. Some new technologies and methods have been developed at a clinic in Colorado Springs that could really help with Christopher’s mobility issues.”

Eddie chewed his bottom lip. This could be perfect. A way to leave Los Angeles on good terms with the LAFD and his friends at the 118. “Can you get me the details, so I can go over them with my family, maybe have Carla put some feelers out for caregivers in that area?”

“I’m happy to help however I can, Mr. Diaz. I think this could be a very exciting time for people with problems like your son’s.”

Eddie left the doctor’s office with a folder full of papers, a website, and a business card for the Innovations Gate Clinic. As he drove away, he felt better about having a plan, but saddened that he was leaving a life he loved.

Since Buck and Taylor were having a small wedding, Buck insisted he just wanted a small gathering of his friends for the reception. Bobby offered to host the bachelor party at the Grant-Nash house, so there was little for Eddie to plan. By the time he helped Buck into his truck, the blond was very relaxed and happy.

“You know I love you, Eddie.” He mumbled as Eddie buckled his seat belt.

“I love you, too, Evan.” His heart felt like it was being squeezed. He shut the door and slid behind the wheel closing his eyes to battle the tears that wanted to escape. He was glad Buck dozed all the way home.

It was a good thing Buck spent the night at the Diaz house, or he’d have been late to his own wedding. Eddie left Buck sitting on the edge of the bed changing into his sleep clothes while Eddie went after a bottle of water and aspirin. By the time he got back to the guest room, Buck had changed and was struggling to pull the covers back.

“Here, let me help with that. You take these and drink as much water as you can. Taylor will have my head if you’re blood shot and hung over for your wedding portraits tomorrow.” Eddie talked more to himself than to Buck.

“You know Taylor is jealous of you. I think that’s why she agreed to marry me.” Buck pouted.

“She has no reason to be jealous. You always picked Taylor. I hope you’ll be very happy. Now, it’s time for good little grooms to be in bed.”

“You’ll find someone so we can be a family.”

“We already were a family, Evan.” Eddie whispered as he placed a soft kiss on the brow of his sleeping love. “Goodbye, Buck.”

*^*^*^*

Eddie dodged around boxes as he climbed into his empty bed. His sessions with Aaron had helped the anger and hurt of his unrequited feelings for his best friend and the rage leftover from his time in service, but he hadn’t discovered a way to stop his heart from bleeding. He hoped the move to Colorado Springs would at least cauterize the wound.

The wedding had gone off without a hitch. The bride was beaming, the groom was handsome, and if Eddie’s shoulders dropped from up around his ears in relief, he hoped no one noticed. He made himself not flinch when he felt a hand on his back.

“How are you doing, Eddie?” Athena Grant-Nash was no one’s fool, so Eddie didn’t even consider lying to her.

“As well as I can be.” He accepted her comfort as he watched the limo with the happy couple drive away. He turned to see the rest of the 118 watching the limo disappear. When everyone was back inside except Athena and Bobby, Eddie took a breath to steady himself. “Christopher’s doctor has recommended a new clinic for him. Says that the non-invasive techniques they’ve developed would be a real help with his mobility issues.”

Bobby’s arm curled around his wife’s shoulders. “This new clinic’s not in Los Angeles, is it?”

Eddie lifted his chin. “No. It’s in Colorado. My transfer papers are on your desk. My last day at the 118 is a week from today.”

“Buck know?”

“No. He’s been so occupied with Taylor and the wedding … I didn’t want to add to his burden. You two are the only ones that know. We got very lucky … It so happens, Carla’s sister, Letty, lives in Colorado Springs. She recently moved from working in a hospital into private health care, so Christopher already has a caregiver, who has also given me the name of a couple schools to visit when we get there.”

“You’re moving before Buck and Taylor get back from their honeymoon?” Athena’s eyebrows rose toward her hairline.

“I have to get Christopher squared away, and my first shift at my new station starts a week after my last day here. The movers are packing our house, I found a great house close to my new station, which has plenty of room for visitors, and the owners have left some very nice furniture, so we won’t be rattling around like peas in a bucket. I broke the trip down to three nights on the road driving three to four hundred miles a day with lots of stops.

“You already have a house?” Bobby sounded surprised.

“I’m only renting my house here, so with my savings and Shannon’s estate I was able to get a nice place. Christopher and I on the main floor, but the lower level has three guest rooms.” He pulled out his phone and showed them several pictures of the house, and texted Bobby the address and his new phone number. “You can pass that on to whoever asks.”

“What do I tell Buck?”

“The truth. I can’t pass up this opportunity for Christopher to have a better quality of life. He’ll still get Christopher if anything happens to me, and everyone is welcome to contact or visit us anytime. We love Buck and we consider all of you family, but he’s made a new family with Taylor, and I have to do what’s best for my boy.” He hugged Athena and Bobby. “I’m going to take off. Still lots of stuff to sort and pack. Thank you both for all you’ve done for me and Chris. I’ll see you at work.” He headed down the street, not wanting to be the odd man out at what remained of the reception.

The couple watched Eddie walk toward his truck. “Oh, this is going to be so bad.” Athena leaned against Bobby. “He’s so hurt.”

“Who are you talking about? Buck? Yeah, he’s going to be hurt Eddie’s moving without telling him.”

“Not what I mean. I’ve watched that young man fall so hard for our Buckaroo, and just as he was ready to say something, Buck was getting engaged to Taylor.”

“How do I not know this stuff?” The captain huffed in frustration. “I really am not that oblivious.”

Athena led him back inside the reception venue. “You’re really not, Sweetheart, but as their Captain there are things, you’re not allowed to see that you should notice as their friend.”

“I hate seeing Eddie go. Maybe he’ll find someone.” Bobby pulled his wife close and kissed her temple.

“I’m afraid not for a long time.” They rejoined the other party revelers.

*^*^*^*

His last week at the 118 seemed to fly by. The shifts were busy. Busy shifts meant very little time for his teammates to grill him about his plans. The one thing he hadn’t been able to do was talk Bobby out of a farewell fire fam gathering.

Most evenings, after Christopher went to bed, he was busy packing boxes and filling out most of his paperwork for CSFD. He wanted everything in place when they got to Colorado Springs so he could hit the ground running.

His last shift was quiet with Hen and Lucy exclaiming over the pictures on Buck’s Instagram. Eddie peeked over Hen’s shoulder and felt a stab of pain at how happy they looked. Those pictures convinced him that what he was doing was for the best for himself and Buck. Eddie could grieve his unrequited feelings in another state and Buck wouldn’t feel torn between his wife and best friend.

Bobby surpassed himself with his farewell meal though the mood was subdued. Hen sat down next to Eddie as they enjoyed cake and ice cream.

“Denny’s not happy about his best friend moving 1100 miles away.”

“Christopher’s not either, but he’s excited about this new clinic. Thank goodness for the Internet. Just think of the phone bills if they had to call long distance. You guys are welcome to visit. I now have a house with guest rooms.” He gave her a bright smile.

“I always wanted to visit Colorado. I know I’ve been driving everyone around the bend trying to work and get through medical school … A vacation with my best girl might just be the thing.”

“Denny and Chris can hangout while you and Karen do couple things. Bobby has my new contact information if Chris hasn’t given it to Denny.”

The earth moved as Eddie was grabbed up into one of Hen’s all-encompassing hugs. “Buck is going to be heartbroken he wasn’t here for this.”

“I wish I could wait until they get back, but with having to find a new school, we just can’t wait. The movers are coming tomorrow, so we’re staying with Abuela. We leave the next day. We should be in Colorado Springs four days later.”

“There better be lots of pictures on Instagram. I want some Rocky Mountain high, Eddie Diaz.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He hugged her one more time before heading to clean the last of his stuff from his locker. He paused when he saw Buck’s stuff in their shared locker, he had to stop to wrestle his emotions under control. He packed the last few items in his duffel and tucked a letter away where Buck would find it when he got back to work. He rested his hand on the locker door, pulled off the tape with his name before he turned away for the last time.

~ TBC ~